Sometimes I’m Just Sleeping

Hey! Want to meet up later for coffee or drinks?

Yes! I do! But I won’t be able to.

Hey! There’s an arts and crafts show this weekend, want to go?

Yes! I do! But I won’t be able to.

Hey! Will you pick up milk on your way home from work?

Yes! I will. But it takes everything I’ve got to do it.

Hey! Aren’t you going to take a shower today?

Hey! Will you…?

I can’t.

Whether it’s the depression or a symptoms of one of my autoimmune diseases, sometimes I’m just sleeping. Could be literally, could be figuratively. The big things and the little things overwhelm me and keep me from doing the things I would like to do and the things I should do. I save the energy for the things I have to do: work and running. Why is running lumped into “Have to?” Because it is the biggest factor in positively treating my mental health. Medication alone is not enough to treat my depression. Running isn’t enough either. It’s the combination of running and medication that puts me at my best. Do I still get depressed? Not very often. ‘Well doesn’t running make you more tired?’ No. It gives me a little more energy, it helps my body ache a little less, and clears the brain fog some. It’s a Have To.

I have let people down. I have let myself down. People don’t understand. I don’t even understand. How can the littlest things be so insurmountable? Why does it take every ounce of effort to live a normal life? I’ve run a couple of 50K’s, how is that easier to me than to take a shower some days?

I am truly remorseful to those I have let down. My husband, my kids, my friends. I know that there are times I have hurt you and disappointed you. I am so very sorry. I have no defense.

“But you, O Lord, are a God  merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

I am humbled when I read these verses. God is merciful and gracious!! Slow to anger!! He loves me!! His compassions never fail!! When I see myself in light of God’s love, I have more grace on myself. That is not a free pass! But it allows me to sleep when I need more rest and to push through when I have to. There but for the grace of God go I. Or as my mother says, “Fake it until you make it.”

 

DNS: Did Not Start

I had my first DNS on Saturday, October 21, 2017. This was going to be my first 50K post Lupus. Even without a great training season, I was ready to see what the new me could accomplish. I had the perfect race planned, The Palo Duro Trail Run, in Canyon TX, practically in my backyard. The weather was supposed to be perfect conditions. I had a support team ready with encouragement and ice cold Nuun.

I am a desert rat, although I didn’t come by it naturally. I’m from north western Pennsylvania and my parents still live there. They are aging, as all people do, and not in great health but still live independently. Mom found out she needed a valve replacement and double bypass surgery. It was scheduled for October 17. Dad wanted me to come out a week after the surgery to help her get back settled and him with things around the house. Sounds good! I’ll run my race and 2 days later I’ll fly to PA to help.

Little did I know, I was about to begin an Ultra with an unknown distance and an unknown course, and one I was completely unprepared for.

Mom had some complications and dad needed me to come sooner. So instead of running 32 miles on Saturday I drove 360 miles to Dallas to fly to PA. I landed at midnight but still had an hour and a half drive to get to their house. I have spent the last 8 days at the hospital with mom. It has been up and down. She was released to rehab and then admitted to the hospital again. Like in any ultra there are times I’ve wanted to quit, pack up and go home. Then you turn a corner and have hope again that you can continue. Again, there are dark times, all I want to do was give in, let this thing beat me. But then you take in proper fueling and hydration and you get a second wind. I still don’t know how many miles are left. I don’t know what’s around the next corner. I do know that God promises He will never leave me or forsake me. He promises His love and that His grace is sufficient. He is faithful and trustworthy. So I press on, I persevere and I keep my faith.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

I want, but…

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15

I want a vibrant prayer life. But I don’t spend much time in prayer.

I want to study the Bible, know it, love it. But I don’t read it often.

I want to run miles and miles and miles! But I sleep past my alarm.

I want to cook healthy meals for myself and family. But I let fresh food rot in the refrigerator.

I want a clean house. But I waste time on my phone.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18b

I can blame a lot of things.

• Depression. You never have energy or motivation.
• Autoimmune Diseases. That is certainly limiting.
• I’m lazy.
• The Flesh/Sinful Nature

So, there you have it. It looks pretty hopeless to me, because I am all of these things! I can make lists and set reminders and yet I ignore them. I can tell myself, “Self! Today is the day! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Put on your Big Girl Panties and just get things done!” It may work for a moment, but the reality is, I am very flawed. Depression messes with rational thought. My body is fighting itself, wrongly. And I am still very much a sinner even though I am a child of God. So what do I do?

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:25

I confess, ask for forgiveness and give thanks that His mercies are new every morning. And afternoon. And evening.

I would be lost without God. Truly, I more than likely would have taken my life. He knows I have thought about it many times. The best part about being a child of God is the feeling you get after you confess. You are washed clean and are brand new! He doesn’t hold grudges! He doesn’t even remember! He never brings up our past! He sets us on a new path, puts a new song in our mouth. He loves us. In His presence is where there really is peace. Even when we are depressed, sick, lazy, sinful.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

 

Better, but not cured.

I’ve been sick.

I am getting better.

I am not cured.

I work part-time. I have Tuesdays off. Every Tuesday I always have big plans for the day. Things I can’t get done after work because I am too tired. Things I can’t do on the weekend because those are long run days and that takes up a huge chunk of time. So Tuesday is supposed to be errand day. Except that for the last however many months, I can barely do anything except maybe some laundry and then I nap. For several hours.

I knew something wasn’t right. I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroidistis in 2008 because of fatigue, among other things, which is what finally brought me to that diagnosis. It’s been somewhat managed/controlled for the most part and I have been able to function fairly well. I managed to train for and run 2 marathons and 2 50K’s. But then last spring, something changed. The fatigue was back with a vengeance. My thyroid levels were ok, but I was not. Doc ran some more tests and referred me to a Rheumotologist. It was there I had some hope, with the words Lupus.

It’s not all in my head! Someone believes me! Someone understands! It’s a real condition!

And yet, at times, I don’t believe myself. I belittle myself.

Let me say first off, that for the 9 weeks I have been on Plaquinel, I have started to feel more like my real self than I have felt in so long. It truly has been a miracle drug for me. But it is not a cure and I will still have bad days. But I just want to jump back into life! I want to be able to run to 2 or 3 stores and not be worn out. I want to go out with friends. I want to enjoy my kids at the fair. I’m better, but I am not cured.

I coach beginners to run 5K’s. I need to listen to my own coaching.

Be kind to yourself. This is hard. You will have great running days and crappy ones too. Don’t give up. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this. One step at a time.

God is a pretty good coach too.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

So I guess for now, I will continue to nap on Tuesdays. Because I can. Maybe someday I won’t have to.

Type A

Most runners I know have Type A personalities. I call it A for Ambitious.

Some might call us obsessed. We get up early to run before work or before the family wakes up. We get grumpy if we miss more than a few days running.  We have training goals, we have mileage goals, we have caloric goals. We track everything on Strava, we calculate paces and do complex math as we run. In races there are A goals, B goals, C goals. We obsessively check the weather and meticulously set out our gear before races. It’s all about drive, discipline, and dedication. We will even run through pain or injury, because we are just that commited. Or maybe we should be committed.

I am Type A to a “T”, except when depression starts to take over. Then my A for Ambition becomes A for Apathy.

Depression isn’t all sadness and gloom and doom. Well, sometimes it is, but more often for me, it’s a lack of attachment and caring about anything. All the things that give me joy and meaning are lost. “Why bother?” becomes a phrase repeated in my head and I don’t want to run (or do anything). But the thing is, running helps so much in the fight against depression. It’s a battle to tell your brain the truth, when it’s telling you a false narrative. I’ve been in the battle lately, though not fighting very hard.

Let me tell you how good God is. Sunday our sermon was on Psalm 86. This prayer of David hit me straight in the heart. All of it is very poignant, but I will highlight a few verses here.

• vs 1 Hear me Lord and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
• vs 4 Bring joy to your servant Lord, for I put my trust in you.
• vs 7 When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me.
• vs 11 Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness;
  give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

Cry out to God. I hadn’t even done this, because, Apathy. I needed this reminder in print.

Ask God for joy! Ask!

Call to God, because He does answer!!

And then the heart of this prayer – Teach me and give me an undivided heart. – Wholy devoted, unbroken, thorough, exclusive!

This is another point where my spiritual walk and running coincide. If running makes my brain work better, which brings me closer to God, then I need to fight that Apathy by praying and putting on my running shoes. I need to transfer the drive, discipline and dedication – all that Type A stuff, to my relationship with God. Because He is faithful, I can call to Him. When my heart is undivided toward God, He does bring Joy! He does answer, and He does teach. He is so good.

 

Pace Yourself

I have a few autoimmune diseases. And I am a runner. Not just a runner, an ultra runner. That means I willingly run more than a marathon distance (26.1 miles). Autoimmunity is a disease in which the body’s immune system attacks healthy cells.  This gets in the way of my training and race plans. Currently, there isn’t a cure for as many as 80 different autoimmune diseases. So, medication is prescribed, special diets are adhered to, supplements are taken, meditation is advised, essential oils are applied, and we are willing to try just about anything to feel like our normal selves. Some of these have worked for me, and some have not. But I keep trying to feel better, just like chasing that elusive runner’s high. You keep running even on the bad days, because you want that perfect run, the one where every step feels effortless and you can go on forever! I keep trying different treatments and keep on hoping. You have to have hope. Just like in depression, I have come very close to utter hopelessness, but there was still a tiny spark.

People with autoimmune diseases have to learn how to pace themselves. Just like in a race, you can’t just start full speed ahead, you’ll burn out long before the finish line. The longer the race, the more important pacing strategy is. So I have been carefully pacing my life. I can’t make too many commitments, I can’t stay up past 9:00, I need a nap during the day, etc. It’s that whole Spoon Therory.

I have had a series of bad days (months) but I am finding myself with a bit of hope! I saw a new Rheumatologist a month ago and started a new medication. I am feeling better than I have felt in so long! I even spent an hour on Ultrasignup yesterday because I feel like I can RUN again! (Pace yourself, Kirsten!) I’ve been “training” for a 50K in October, but unable to put in the miles and really thought I wouldn’t run it because I just haven’t felt good. How am I going to run 31 miles feeling like crap? Today, I actually signed up! I am going to run The Palo Duro Trail Run! Even if it’s not the race I want (beat last year’s time), I will know that it almost didn’t happen, that I almost gave up. I will get out there and run what I am capable of at that time. I will be thankful for the day, for the moment. I will not take running for granted. And I will pace myself accordingly.

 

My Cup Overflows

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Oh how this Psalm has given me such comfort many times over. I memorized it as a child in Sunday School. I would recite it to myself in times that everything was going well, and when my mind was in despair. I have walked through that dark valley several times, and I have always come out of it. It is true that He is always with me. I have experienced His presence even when I felt hopeless. I know that if/when I walk through the valley of depression in the future I can trust my God.

When I run, especially when I run trails, He refreshes my soul. Whether I am pouring out my heart in sadness, in frustration, or in praise, He hears me. He comforts me. Running somehow connects me to God in a way that sitting in church or praying at home  doesn’t. I am reminded of God’s many wonders in the world around me. Running gives me a chance to look at so much beauty in his creation. My cup truly overflows when I take it all in.

 

Run for Your Life!

‘After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’ Acts 13:22

David had his share of sins. Really big sins. And yet at the end of his life, he is called “a man after God’s heart.” I know God is a forgiving God. David had a contrite heart, confessed, humbled himself, and worshiped God. My hope is that I will be a person after God’s own heart as well, I want to be ready to follow Him wholeheartedly.

Running has connected me to God in a way that no amount of church, Bible study, or prayer alone has. I started running (again) right before I turned 40 because I was gaining weight. I was also very depressed. Clinically depressed, and have been since I was in my teens. I was currently taking medication, but had also recently moved from a place I loved, and away from my counselor at my church. I did my best to hide it from my family, but I was becoming bitter too. Not a good combination.

What started out as a way to lose weight turned into my counseling sessions with God. After running became easier and I wasn’t focused on how out of shape I was, I turned my focus to God. “Why God?” was mostly what I said, and what I heard back was “my grace is sufficient for you.” I wrote more about my journey being depressed and overweight to Boston Qualifier here.

This blog will be about my journey with running and all the other things that are part of me – my faith, my family, my races, my depression, my Hashimoto’s Disease, and Lupus. All rolled into one. I appreciate any feedback!