Sometimes I’m Just Sleeping

Hey! Want to meet up later for coffee or drinks?

Yes! I do! But I won’t be able to.

Hey! There’s an arts and crafts show this weekend, want to go?

Yes! I do! But I won’t be able to.

Hey! Will you pick up milk on your way home from work?

Yes! I will. But it takes everything I’ve got to do it.

Hey! Aren’t you going to take a shower today?

Hey! Will you…?

I can’t.

Whether it’s the depression or a symptoms of one of my autoimmune diseases, sometimes I’m just sleeping. Could be literally, could be figuratively. The big things and the little things overwhelm me and keep me from doing the things I would like to do and the things I should do. I save the energy for the things I have to do: work and running. Why is running lumped into “Have to?” Because it is the biggest factor in positively treating my mental health. Medication alone is not enough to treat my depression. Running isn’t enough either. It’s the combination of running and medication that puts me at my best. Do I still get depressed? Not very often. ‘Well doesn’t running make you more tired?’ No. It gives me a little more energy, it helps my body ache a little less, and clears the brain fog some. It’s a Have To.

I have let people down. I have let myself down. People don’t understand. I don’t even understand. How can the littlest things be so insurmountable? Why does it take every ounce of effort to live a normal life? I’ve run a couple of 50K’s, how is that easier to me than to take a shower some days?

I am truly remorseful to those I have let down. My husband, my kids, my friends. I know that there are times I have hurt you and disappointed you. I am so very sorry. I have no defense.

“But you, O Lord, are a God  merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

I am humbled when I read these verses. God is merciful and gracious!! Slow to anger!! He loves me!! His compassions never fail!! When I see myself in light of God’s love, I have more grace on myself. That is not a free pass! But it allows me to sleep when I need more rest and to push through when I have to. There but for the grace of God go I. Or as my mother says, “Fake it until you make it.”


Author: arunneraftergodsownheart

Christian Runner, overcoming depression one step at a time.

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