Better, but not cured.

I’ve been sick.

I am getting better.

I am not cured.

I work part-time. I have Tuesdays off. Every Tuesday I always have big plans for the day. Things I can’t get done after work because I am too tired. Things I can’t do on the weekend because those are long run days and that takes up a huge chunk of time. So Tuesday is supposed to be errand day. Except that for the last however many months, I can barely do anything except maybe some laundry and then I nap. For several hours.

I knew something wasn’t right. I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroidistis in 2008 because of fatigue, among other things, which is what finally brought me to that diagnosis. It’s been somewhat managed/controlled for the most part and I have been able to function fairly well. I managed to train for and run 2 marathons and 2 50K’s. But then last spring, something changed. The fatigue was back with a vengeance. My thyroid levels were ok, but I was not. Doc ran some more tests and referred me to a Rheumotologist. It was there I had some hope, with the words Lupus.

It’s not all in my head! Someone believes me! Someone understands! It’s a real condition!

And yet, at times, I don’t believe myself. I belittle myself.

Let me say first off, that for the 9 weeks I have been on Plaquinel, I have started to feel more like my real self than I have felt in so long. It truly has been a miracle drug for me. But it is not a cure and I will still have bad days. But I just want to jump back into life! I want to be able to run to 2 or 3 stores and not be worn out. I want to go out with friends. I want to enjoy my kids at the fair. I’m better, but I am not cured.

I coach beginners to run 5K’s. I need to listen to my own coaching.

Be kind to yourself. This is hard. You will have great running days and crappy ones too. Don’t give up. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this. One step at a time.

God is a pretty good coach too.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

So I guess for now, I will continue to nap on Tuesdays. Because I can. Maybe someday I won’t have to.

Author: arunneraftergodsownheart

Christian Runner, overcoming depression one step at a time.

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