What am I doing to myself?

I’ve spent most of the last 6 months in denial. I’ve been very depressed again, but different than it’s been in the past. It’s been manifested is escapism. Every little thought that attempts to emerge has been shoved back down and I have forged ahead. But I have had to. I couldn’t stay in bed for months this time. I couldn’t sleep most of the day away. I’ve just carried on like usual, only feeling pretty dead inside. There hasn’t been much joy or hope.

Work, waste time on my phone, sleep.

I was running and praying, thinking about the end of 2020. I like to have a verse to guide the new year. Processing all the crap and hard stuff of 2020, I want to make some changes in myself to better handle whatever may come in 2021. The verse that came to my mind is 1 Corinthians 6:12

I can do what I want, but it isn’t all good for me. I can over drink, I can over sleep, I can waste hours on my phone, I can eat crap, but none of that is good for me or makes me a stronger person or better able to cope with hard stuff. If I want to be a good wife, mother, and friend; if I want to be a good runner, if I want better physical, mental and spiritual health, then I need to cut out what isn’t beneficial, and choose what is good.

If I am honest, I was being mastered by my phone. It’s embarrassing, but it’s true. I neglected housework, real communication with my family and processing my thoughts about my mom being gone. I was also being mastered by poor food choices. Even though I am free to eat anything I want, it’s not all good for me. I gained weight again and now my clothes don’t fit right. It’s frustrating, knowing I could have prevented it simply by my own choices. I have no one to blame except myself.

I hope someone else is encouraged and joins me in the process of denying themselves, not because they have to, but because of what’s better.

Author: arunneraftergodsownheart

Christian Runner, overcoming depression one step at a time.

3 thoughts on “What am I doing to myself?”

  1. This year was so hard for everyone and you had extra tough things to deal with. Don’t beat yourself up. This is good that you felt like writing this. That’s a first step. ❤ But know that you are in good company. Being depressed doesn't mean you're not obeying God or being a good Christian! God knows what you are going through and He would not expect you to be upbeat and positive and doing great. He loves you and wants you to rest in his grace and let yourself grieve. Message me on Facebook if you want to talk. P.S. I have been eating and drinking too much too and gained weight and bleh! One day at a time. I'm here if you wanna chat!


    1. Thank you. I have!!! But I seem to respond better when I talk tough to myself. It’s like that’s what gets me off my butt, and gets me to DO instead of just thinking about doing. I am off facebook, though I didn’t delete it. I want to be able to get on the TAUR Ladies group, and a couple other groups once in a while. There is valuable information on there sometimes. Are you on Instagram? I am @kirsten.runandsleep

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes talking tough is best, lol ! I left TAUR Ladies because I wasn’t running much and deleted instagram from my phone, but I am on IG with my blog name. I might pop in again there. Today we start back to homeschooling after several weeks off, so I really need to stay focused. The phone is such a time waster! Have a good one!

        Liked by 1 person

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